Is your presence in someone’s life akin to navigating a crowded Costco? Let me elaborate. For me, stepping into Costco is one of the most overwhelming experiences possible. It's vast, noisy, and filled with people in casual attire. Yet, they offer essential bulk items at unbeatable prices, compelling me to visit a few times a year. Do you have similar environments or individuals that drain your energy? While some thrive in bustling places like Costco, what exhausts you is distinctive to your own experiences. Recognizing and articulating these energy drains is crucial. You must learn to make informed decisions regarding the energetic investments in your jobs, hobbies, and relationships, as well as in numbing activities such as excessive drinking or social media scrolling.

Consider the people who are emotionally taxing. Think of a boss whose unpredictable mood makes your stomach churn when you need to address a minor issue. Or a child who's likely to cause trouble at school, leading to heated arguments whenever you engage them. Such individuals draw all your focus, often leading to emotional exhaustion. If you're divorced, this may even include an ex-partner who perpetuates chaos in your life.

These emotionally draining connections weigh heavily on you. Have you ever been in a job that felt draining not just because of the time it consumed, but due to the atmosphere and the people involved? Jobs and partners that are emotionally expensive demand your constant attention to maintain stability, often leading to a cycle of drama and conflict. This internal struggle reduces your capacity to handle everyday stress, manifesting in physical symptoms like high blood pressure or chronic pain.

NOTE: Some individuals create emotional drain in work, religion, relationships, and parenting due to overcommitment and anxiety. They struggle to detach, feeling as if they are either barely floating or sinking in their responsibilities. While this article isn't focused on that experience, it's worth noting that the same solutions apply. Many clients I see one-on-one are grappling with this kind of challenge, unsure if their situation is inherently taxing or if they are just overly sensitive.

Men can inadvertently make dating and relationships feel chaotic, unsafe, and emotionally taxing. A common example is a man who, after a night together, expresses how wonderful a woman would be with his children, only to later claim he’s not ready for a relationship. This inconsistency creates confusion, leaving her in a strange limbo of desire while he fabricates reasons to keep her at bay.

These men often present a façade of community values and ethics during dates, only for their social media to reveal a different story, causing an unsettling realization that their words do not align with their true lives. Such discrepancies can poison connections, while a man whose actions align with his words fosters a sense of safety and clarity.

It’s interesting how a “bad boy” can feel safer than the “nice guy.” A straightforward man, even if flawed, is transparent, allowing a woman to decide if she can accept him without the fear of hidden surprises. In contrast, lies are exhausting; they feel burdensome and draining.

These scenarios often arise from a lack of awareness about one's own energy and honesty. Perhaps some of this behavior is rooted in traditional patriarchal values, where men feel pressured to present a version of themselves that doesn’t match their reality. More frequently, men may simply be oblivious to how their incongruities affect those around them.

I believe many men lie out of a desire not to disappoint, only to end up disappointing everyone involved. My goal is to guide men toward a deeper understanding of their energy and how it impacts their relationships. Somatic work can help men connect with their emotions and become aware of how their actions resonate with others.

Understanding emotional costs is crucial for healthier relationships. When a woman feels an emotional high when a man is around, but then experiences confusion and doubt due to his actions, it can lead to her feeling lighter when he’s gone.

A man who is emotionally expensive tends to be inconsistent, which can be confusing and draining. I prefer to date someone who may be challenging yet honest over someone who quickly agrees to everything, only to later falter in their commitments. A more assertive partner will likely offer a clearer sense of trustworthiness.

When men describe the type of partner they want, they often envision someone warm, supportive, and emotionally attuned. However, many overlook that the dynamics they create significantly influence how a woman feels in the relationship. A woman who is naturally sensitive will respond to the safety—or lack thereof—created by her partner. If she feels anxious or controlled, she may withdraw, become emotionally distant, or try to exert control over the situation.

A woman who has experienced anger and frustration in a past relationship can find herself thriving in a healthier, more stable environment. Men must learn to sense the emotional dynamics of their relationships. Those who are emotionally intelligent and self-aware will attract partners who are equally attuned to their needs.

Maturity involves conserving energy for what truly matters and managing relationships wisely. Women who are trustworthy and safe will likely choose to end relationships that feel uncomfortable or draining. If you find yourself consistently entangled in confusing relationships, it may reflect your own lack of emotional safety.

If you can recognize the physical sensations associated with dishonesty and tune into the emotional nuances of your interactions, you will develop a heightened awareness of when and why you might be creating those moments of disconnect. Rather than attributing the tension to your partner, consider how you might be contributing to it.

Self-awareness is the key to transforming your relationships. You don’t need to master the art of relationships; you must learn to master yourself, shedding the emotional baggage that weighs you down. Through regular practice, you can cultivate greater awareness, allowing you to align your life with your values.

Need more support? I offer a free pilot curriculum and meditations related to these themes. Reach out via email to gain access: [email protected].

The series on embodiment for men who date women includes: Guide 1: Embodiment is your way out of disappointing women. Guide 2: What is your responsibility with a woman? What role are you taking? Guide 3: Understanding safety will give you a different experience with women. Guide 4: Do you feel like a lie? Are You Energetically Expensive?

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About the author… I coach both women and men in embodiment practices and offer various courses and workshops. In 2024, I plan to expand my curriculum specifically for men. I actively engage on Instagram and YouTube, including interviews on unique relationships. My articles reflect my perspective as a straight woman who dates and sometimes coaches men. The “Dear Men” series may be provocative for those seeking neutral viewpoints, but I strive to present truths applicable across various orientations. I genuinely appreciate the thoughtful discourse that arises from differing opinions.