The expression men are trash has emerged as a common refrain among individuals of various genders, often used to voice frustration and disillusionment with male behavior. This phrase gained traction particularly after the tragic murder of Karabo Mokoena in South Africa in 2017, highlighting the serious issue of femicide in the country. Alarmingly, statistics reveal that a woman is killed every four hours, with intimate partners responsible for over half of these crimes.

In the aftermath of Karabo's death, the hashtag #MenAreTrash surged in popularity across social media, primarily used by women to shed light on the violence and mistreatment they endure. While the term is often intended to raise awareness, its usage has expanded to express dissatisfaction with a range of male actions.

This topic has sparked considerable debate, particularly among men who feel the phrase unfairly generalizes their behavior. Many assert that #NotAllMen applies, but it's crucial to acknowledge that the phrase does not claim all men are culpable; rather, it reflects the experiences of those who have faced harm.

One illustrative analogy likens men to snakes; while some snakes are harmless, the danger they pose leads to a universal caution. Just as people are advised to be wary of all snakes, women often approach men with a similar sense of caution due to past experiences, even if not all men exhibit harmful behavior.

However, this phrase has faced backlash, with instances of public figures, like Brazilian gaming influencer Gabriela Cattuzzo, losing sponsorships for stating, "this is why men are trash." Furthermore, social media platforms have begun censoring such expressions as hate speech.

In my observations, many men seem either problematic or complicit in perpetuating harmful behaviors without actively addressing them. It's rare to find men who vocally challenge their friends' misconduct, often opting for silence instead.

The underlying issue seems to stem from how men, though victims of patriarchal structures themselves, often project their frustrations onto women. Some argue that since women raise the men they criticize, the responsibility lies with them, a viewpoint steeped in internalized misogyny. While they claim feminism threatens masculinity, they simultaneously lament that their feelings are disregarded.

Toxic masculinity has dire consequences, contributing to violence among men and toward women. Research indicates that only 3% of UK adults associate masculinity with kindness, while a mere 1% link it with respect or support. Furthermore, studies have shown that men may resort to infidelity or shirking household duties when their partners earn more, as a misguided attempt to protect their masculinity.

So, should we reconsider using the phrase men are trash? My perspective is nuanced. While the generalization itself is not inherently problematic, I encountered a thought-provoking tweet suggesting that such statements lower expectations of men. Instead, the author advocates for saying, "men can and should do better," arguing that both sentiments imply inherent failings in men, albeit with differing intentions.

This sentiment sparked a discussion with a friend who highlighted the distinction between solidarity and frustration embodied in the phrase versus the more defensive boys will be boys mentality.

Unfortunately, trans-exclusionary radical feminists (TERFs) have also co-opted this phrase, which complicates the discussion further.

In a compelling article by Noah Hawley titled On Raising Sons, he reflects on advice from his mother to cultivate friendships with girls before pursuing romantic relationships. He interprets this as a call to recognize women's humanity and their rights to be seen as individuals, not mere objects of desire.

Men are not inherently flawed; societal conditioning plays a significant role in shaping their behaviors. It's imperative to equip them with tools to resist patriarchal influences, emphasizing that they are not entitled to anything. This education begins at home, yet many seem to fall short.

So, should we cease using men are trash? I find merit in both sides of the argument, acknowledging its roots in solidarity while questioning its effectiveness in promoting accountability.

These blunt statements are designed to provoke thought and action. As noted, protests and hashtags aim to disrupt the status quo, a necessary strategy for sparking change.

In the UK, The Femicide Census revealed that 76% of women murdered in 2017 were killed by men they knew, with almost half of them being their partners or exes. This data reflects a global crisis, with a UN study noting that intimate partners or family members accounted for 50,000 women’s deaths worldwide.

Yet, I observe more men defending the behavior of their peers than supporting women. These men tend to criticize generalizations while failing to hold their counterparts accountable or recognizing the impact of patriarchal conditioning.

I genuinely wish to assist men in their growth, but it raises the question: do they desire this change?

During a recent episode of Suits, a character named Louis Litt expressed his understanding of masculinity, highlighting the value of embracing traits deemed feminine without perceiving them as a threat. This gives me hope.

Currently, we find ourselves in a cycle where men are conditioned to view emotional intelligence as weakness, under the belief that the world is designed for them. Consequently, those who wish to speak out often fear backlash for not conforming to traditional masculine norms, pushing many into silence.

Moreover, societal pressures discourage expressions of femininity, a dynamic perpetuated even by cisgender heterosexual women, as research suggests they often prefer traditionally masculine men. This preference inadvertently perpetuates toxic masculinity, leading to biases that many, including myself, are working to dismantle.

While it’s clear that not all men are problematic, I hope more will acknowledge their capacity for positive change. Personally, I plan to shift my language away from men are trash, instead echoing Lizzo's sentiment, "Why men great ’til they gotta be great?" Men indeed have the potential to rise above, but those who choose to continue using the phrase serve as a reminder of the urgent need for accountability and action.

I urge men reading this to refrain from defensiveness and instead ask the women sharing their pain, "How can I help?"