What I Learned

As a young, academically inclined clinical psychologist, I initially viewed sorrow as an adversary. Patients came to me bearing unique forms of suffering, and I believed my role was to “erase” their pain.

People often appear resilient after experiencing loss or heartbreak. As a therapist, I became one of the first to witness the flood of emotions they held back. I felt the raw intensity of their grief and frustration, which sometimes seemed overwhelming. In my inexperience, I attempted to alleviate their sorrow through distraction, advice, and coping strategies, but these efforts often left me feeling ineffective and guilty.

Varied Expressions of Sorrow

Sorrow can manifest in numerous ways:

• Chronic Disappointment: A lingering sense of loss, whether from abandoned dreams, failed relationships, or stagnant careers.
• Sudden Shock: Unexpected news that leaves us paralyzed, such as the end of a relationship or job loss.
• Intense Grief: Overwhelming sadness that takes over our thoughts and feelings, making it hard to cope.
• Emotional Fog: A persistent darkness that dulls our spirits, causing us to go through life without joy.
• Burden of Helplessness: A feeling of being trapped, leading to isolation and reluctance to seek support.

Confronting Sorrow

In moments of despair, we often try to rationalize our feelings. After a breakup, we may analyze our behavior in hopes of understanding the cause of our pain. We seek explanations, mistakenly believing that if we identify the problem, we can eliminate our suffering.

Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash

The Truth

During a difficult time, I visited a close friend who was battling cancer. In a moment of vulnerability, I asked her why I felt so persistently down. She simply replied, “Because it is just your turn.” Her candidness struck me deeply. Despite her own suffering, she offered wisdom born from experience. Her words continue to resonate with me, providing comfort during challenging times.

Facing Strong Emotions

Intense emotions, such as sorrow and fear, often overwhelm our rational thoughts. As a child, my younger brother would react strongly to perceived dangers. His siblings attempted to comfort him with advice, but eventually, we created a family game called “Goin’ on a lion hunt.”

Through this playful activity, we learned to face our fears together, transforming a daunting experience into an adventure that fostered bravery and camaraderie.

Sorrow and Personality

Consider the diverse ways individuals cope with sorrow. Some hold onto sadness longer than others, while some can let it go more easily. Our inherent temperament influences these reactions, but we can develop coping mechanisms to navigate our emotions more effectively.

Unfortunately, some individuals never confront their sorrow, allowing it to accumulate over time. Instead of overcoming their feelings, they find themselves trapped in an ongoing state of grief. Accepting sorrow can be akin to finding a space for it in our lives, allowing us to confront it at our own pace, rather than fighting against it.

Stages of Grief: A Non-Linear Journey

The process of grieving is not a straightforward journey through defined stages. Each person’s experience is unique, and reactions may vary widely. Sorrow and joy are not mutually exclusive; many people who experience profound grief also find moments of joy.

During a wake, I witnessed a poignant moment: a toddler joyfully leaped into the lap of a grieving mother, momentarily lifting her spirits despite her sorrow.

Finding Peace with Sorrow

As I age, I’ve learned to accept sorrow rather than resist it. This acceptance has led to unexpected benefits; I’ve become more empathetic, courageous, and even developed a sense of irony and humor regarding life’s challenges.

Rainer Maria Rilke, a poet I admire, encapsulated this sentiment beautifully in his “Letters to a Young Poet.” He reminds us to embrace sadness as a natural part of life, encouraging patience and self-compassion in the face of emotional struggles.

The first video titled "Your Sorrow Will Be Turned Into Joy" delves into the transformative power of grief and how it can ultimately lead to joy.

The second video, "Rejoicing in the Midst of Sorrow," explores the idea that joy can coexist with sorrow, highlighting the duality of human emotion.