Why is this so challenging? The World is Not Designed for Us

A few years back, I visited the remarkable Rogers Centre stadium in Toronto, previously known as Skydome. During the tour, we entered an athlete's dressing room, and our guide asked us to guess which sport it served. At first glance, it resembled other sports locker rooms, but then we noticed the door—at least 8 feet tall. It became evident that it was designed for basketball players, who often face the challenge of navigating a world filled with low ceilings and doors.

Similarly, autistic individuals often grapple with their own unique challenges that may not be immediately visible. The modern environment is rife with unwritten rules and social conventions that are assumed to be common knowledge. Many of these norms are illogical, making them even harder to decipher.

For instance, when someone asks how you are, the expected response is typically "I'm fine," regardless of your actual feelings, as the inquiry is often merely a polite gesture. I encounter this scenario multiple times daily. The frequent use of phrases like "you know" can be perplexing; if I knew, I wouldn't ask, and if I didn't, why would it be mentioned?

There’s an implicit belief that being physically present with others is inherently positive, and that challenging authority—even when warranted—is disrespectful. If I were to let my instincts handle these social decisions, I would likely find myself in a series of unfortunate situations. For those on the autism spectrum, navigating a world that operates by different rules can transform every decision into a complex game of chess. You must recall past experiences, predict potential outcomes based on your choices, and stay true to your principles, which can be both exhausting and overwhelming.

We All Carry the Weight of Past Experiences

Unfortunately, anyone who diverges from social norms often faces mistreatment. I spent part of my childhood in East Kent, frequently traveling to France. On one such trip, my parents introduced me to the combination of French bread and chocolate. Unsure of how to enjoy them together, I asked for guidance, only to be met with laughter and teasing from my family.

Though they meant well, I still struggle to comprehend what was so humorous about seeking advice. This experience has echoed throughout my life, often in more significant situations, leading to ridicule for asking what seemed obvious to others. I suspect many autistic individuals can relate to similar experiences, where the fear of making mistakes or seeking assistance has profound implications.

Anxiety Breeds Complexity in Decision-Making

The culmination of these experiences often results in heightened anxiety. We may find ourselves worrying about various aspects of life, making crucial decisions when we are overwhelmed or emotional. While it's generally advised to avoid making significant choices under stress, many of us live in a constant state of anxiety.

My tendency to over-insure everything stems from a fear of unforeseen expenses. I often choose options that provide immediate relief, even when they may lead to complications down the line. I have made impractical financial choices out of concern for being perceived as less fortunate, leading to long-term repercussions.

The intersection of decision-making and stress rarely yields positive outcomes.

Seeking Support Can be Challenging

Friendship has never come easily to me, which complicates my ability to find guidance when needed. While I cherish the autistic individuals I've met online, we often share the same struggles—recognizing that something doesn't make sense but being uncertain about the best course of action.

There is also a stigma surrounding the act of asking for help, especially concerning questions that may appear trivial to others. Despite claims to the contrary, many inquiries can provoke ridicule. Consequently, we often find ourselves attempting to navigate a confusing world alone, burdened by past trauma and current anxiety.

How Can Allies Provide Support?

For those who live or work with autistic individuals, there are several ways to assist us in navigating the complicated landscape of decision-making. First and foremost, exercising patience can make a significant difference. Many autistic individuals are accustomed to others growing frustrated as we strive to comprehend something that may seem obvious.

Genuine openness to questions and ensuring we understand can also be incredibly beneficial. Many of us have become adept at feigning understanding, avoiding inquiries even when we are struggling due to past experiences. Encouraging us to ask questions, perhaps in a private setting, can be tremendously helpful.

Lastly, it is crucial not to assume that everyone has a shared understanding of every topic or possesses the knowledge that "goes without saying." I cannot count the times I have erred because the person providing instructions assumed I would know a critical detail that was omitted.

These strategies can enhance communication for everyone in a group, not just those on the autism spectrum. Recognizing that we are all unique individuals and avoiding assumptions is vital. Encouraging open dialogue can foster understanding and support. Small adjustments can create a substantial impact, and we genuinely appreciate it when others take the time to assist us.

This video explores how decision-making can be challenging for individuals with autism and provides insights into supporting them.

Learn effective strategies to assist children with autism who struggle with making choices, fostering their independence and confidence.