# Reflecting on Hindsight: The Illusion of Having It All
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Chapter 1: The Concept of "Having It All"
In 1982, Helen Gurley Brown, who served as the editor of US Cosmopolitan, authored a bestselling self-help book titled “Having It All.” Brown was a vocal proponent of women's rights, and her book became a guiding principle for many professional women eager to balance full-time careers, healthy relationships, proper diet and exercise, and an active sex life. The phrase “having it all” quickly became a popular slogan among busy women, misleading them into believing that a perfect work-life balance was achievable.
However, a significant oversight existed within the book; it barely touched on the challenges of managing children while attempting to “have it all” alongside a successful career. Notably, Helen Gurley Brown herself had no children, which meant she lacked insight into the struggles of balancing family responsibilities with professional ambitions.
I, too, harbor a deep-seated resentment toward the phrase “having it all,” and I find solace in the sentiments expressed by Antoinette Lattouf in her article for The Guardian:
> “Having it all” is now largely weaponized against professional mothers. It’s a bar men aren’t expected to reach, and yet it’s one that continually shifts and moves for women. By its very design, all unwilling participants are destined to fail.
This statement resonates deeply with my experiences.
As I reflect on my journey, I realize that I once aspired to achieve it all, but hindsight has taught me that it's not only unattainable but also undesirable.
The Beginning of a New Venture
When the pandemic struck, residents of Melbourne endured a series of grueling lockdowns. Instead of focusing on homeschooling my children, honing new skills like baking sourdough, or tackling 1000-piece puzzles, my mind was preoccupied with a business idea that kept me awake at night.
My concept was straightforward: with the world shifting online, I envisioned an app that would rely on word-of-mouth recommendations from trusted individuals in our lives. This app would serve as a comprehensive resource for all kinds of inquiries—whether users sought fun activities for their children, restaurant suggestions, or personal trainer recommendations.
Unlike Facebook, which often harbors skepticism, this app would be founded on trustworthy insights from known acquaintances. A standout feature would be a “social proof map,” showcasing places endorsed by friends.
I aimed to cultivate supportive communities where positive information could be shared, free from the negativity and trolling rampant in many online spaces. Additionally, I wanted to uplift small businesses recovering from pandemic hardships by highlighting their offerings within the app.
I delved into market research, crafted a business plan, and decided to learn coding to better understand app development. My husband, a successful entrepreneur, championed my vision and connected me with other business leaders for feedback.
The response was overwhelmingly encouraging, motivating me to bring my idea to life. Thus, Suggesterfy was born.
Chapter 2: The Thriving Start-Up Environment
The start-up ecosystem in Melbourne is a vibrant network of entrepreneurs dedicated to supporting one another in their ventures. This community particularly fosters female entrepreneurs, creating an inclusive atmosphere for new ideas to flourish.
I immersed myself in networking events and entrepreneurial workshops to enhance my business acumen and build excitement for my app. Upon its launch, I received awards, appeared on podcasts, and garnered media attention.
People believed in my vision, and they embraced the app.
At this point, I should have felt on top of the world.
In this lyric video for "Hindsight," Jennifer Tee reflects on the complexities of life decisions, paralleling the journey of balancing personal and professional aspirations.
The Illusion of Balance
Fast forward a year and a half post-launch; the pandemic was behind us, and my children were back in school full-time. I seized the opportunity to grow my business during the day while working from home.
I had mastered the art of juggling responsibilities—dropping the kids off at school, walking my dog, and then focusing on my business until it was time for school pickup. After returning home, I would continue working until my husband arrived to help prepare dinner.
Yet, despite this routine, I found myself feeling increasingly miserable. Like many tech products, my app encountered bugs that needed fixing. Although I appreciated my development team's efforts, I began to feel overwhelmed and disorganized amidst juggling various business tasks.
Before embarking on this venture, I was an active individual who attended Pilates classes regularly, ensured my fridge was stocked with fresh food, and prioritized socializing with family and friends. My husband joined me in the business, providing invaluable expertise in systems and finance. However, this partnership did little to restore balance to my life.
I no longer had time for Pilates, leading to the resurgence of old back and hip injuries from long hours at my desk. Distancing emerged between my friends and me; my focus was solely on work, leaving little room for meaningful connections.
As for my family responsibilities, I struggled to maintain the organization I once prided myself on. I found myself rushing from one task to the next, often arriving late to pick up my children or relying on others for help. Dinner often consisted of takeout, as I lacked the time to shop for groceries.
There was no semblance of balance—just the relentless pursuit of work, leaving me feeling like I was running in circles.
The Moment of Truth
While I wish I could pinpoint a specific moment of realization, the truth is I simply recognized that I could no longer sustain this lifestyle. I was burned out, and my mental health was deteriorating.
To recharge, we planned a family vacation during the summer. I relished the break from emails and the chance to enjoy the sunshine and a good book.
Upon returning home, I was engulfed by dread at the thought of work. With each email I received, resentment festered. Conversations with my husband about business matters felt overwhelming; I tuned out, feeling pressured to take on more.
My eldest daughter faced challenges at school, demanding my attention in meetings with her teachers. My middle daughter needed me to navigate her transition to a new school, while my son was heavily influenced by social media.
Sleep became a luxury, stress coursed through my veins, and I turned to wine for comfort, leading to dark thoughts. I found it increasingly difficult to combat the weight of these emotions. The thought of facing another day filled me with dread.
If this was what it meant to “have it all,” then I wanted no part of it.
The Path Forward
Though my business remains operational, I recognized that someone else would be better suited to lead its future. My husband now oversees it, and we both agree that selling it is a possibility.
I know my decision disappointed many who believed in me. I’ve always been committed to seeing things through, and those values are integral to my character and what I impart to my children.
Nonetheless, I feel a sense of contentment. I have achieved success, just not in the manner I initially envisioned. I’ve redefined my priorities, placing my family at the forefront.
These experiences have imparted invaluable lessons about my capabilities and resilience. I discovered a passion for writing and learned that success can manifest in various forms, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
I harbor no regrets about my journey. However, I do wish I had considered time management more thoughtfully before diving into entrepreneurship, ensuring I could balance work with my family and friends.
Ultimately, everything fell into place for the best. I’m now in a healthier mental state; I arrive early for school pick-ups, assist my kids with their homework, and engage more fully with my daughters. Fresh food is once again stocked in my fridge.
I aimed to have it all, and it is through hindsight that I’ve realized I neither can nor desire that.
In Jake Wesley Rogers' "Hindsight" visualizer, the reflection on life's choices aligns with the theme of balancing aspirations and realities.
This article was inspired by a prompt from ADEOLA SHEEHY-ADEKALE.