Chapter 1: The Illusion of Niceness

For a long time, I wore my niceness like a badge of honor. In friendships and relationships, I found it difficult to decline requests, believing that my role as a good person was to ensure others were happy. However, this tendency to placate others stemmed less from genuine kindness and more from a desire to control situations. I took pride in my reputation for being generous and selfless, thinking it was the key to forming friendships and being a decent person. Yet, beneath this veneer of niceness lay a more selfish motivation.

When life’s pressures pushed me to examine the consequences of my people-pleasing tendencies—burnout, resentment, and a lack of intimacy—I came to realize that saying ‘no’ is not an act of selfishness, but rather an essential form of self-care. Although discovering my own limits was challenging, it ultimately led me to more authentic generosity and deeper connections.

In social contexts, I often conformed to the preferences of others without voicing my own. Whether it involved selecting a restaurant for dinner or planning a group trip, I always insisted that whatever others wanted was perfectly acceptable to me. Deep down, however, I struggled with feelings of resentment for not asserting myself and guilt for even considering my own needs. I feared that expressing a different opinion would lead to disapproval, so I chose to appease everyone instead. This approach left both others and myself unaware of my genuine desires.

I remained in relationships longer than I should have, trying to resolve issues or please my partners. Rather than recognizing incompatibility and moving on, I twisted myself into knots trying to become what they wanted. This meant sidelining my own happiness and needs in favor of maintaining harmony.

When my partner criticized me, I sought to adapt to their expectations instead of defending my own viewpoint. I hesitated to end the relationship, waiting for them to make that decision, even when it was clear that it was no longer viable. When I finally found the strength to break up, I felt a wave of relief, mixed with guilt for having invested so much time and energy into a relationship that I knew was doomed.

Sure, my actions were nice, but they were driven by fear. Once people realize you will always acquiesce to their wishes, they are likely to take advantage of your compliance. Ultimately, I was not genuinely being nice to anyone—neither to them nor to myself. It became clear that this approach was a lose-lose situation.

Photo by Ferdinand Stöhr on Unsplash

I've learned through experience that relentless people-pleasing is not truly selfless or benevolent. It's often driven by a need for external validation, a desire to avoid guilt or conflict, and a neglect of my own well-being. The "nice girl" behavior I once admired now feels like a barrier to genuine relationships and a fulfilling life.

Authentic generosity is rooted in healthy boundaries and honesty. I am now working on articulating my limits and feelings without excuses, choosing to engage in activities because I genuinely want to, rather than merely to win others over or seek approval. While this shift isn't always straightforward, it has fostered more sincere interactions, balanced relationships, and significantly reduced the selfishness disguised as niceness.

Reflecting on my past, I wish I had developed the self-awareness and courage to prioritize my own needs and desires sooner, rather than believing that incessantly pleasing others was a virtue. Establishing better boundaries has been a liberating ongoing journey.

I have come to understand that true kindness begins with self-acceptance, and those who genuinely care about you will respect your choices, even when you can't meet their expectations. You owe no one an explanation for prioritizing your well-being. You might even be surprised at how much others value the authentic version of you—beyond the façade of niceness. If this resonates with you, it’s worth contemplating whether your excessive niceness might be more self-serving than you realize.

Chapter 2: The Need for Boundaries

The first video titled "Selfishness is nature | Roy Erkens | TEDxYouth@Maastricht" explores the inherent selfishness in human nature and how it can influence our interactions with others.

The second video, "Why Being Nice Is Actually Bad for You," delves into the negative consequences of excessive niceness, shedding light on how it can undermine true relationships and self-fulfillment.