Chapter 1: The Weight of Expectations

As I enter the third year of my doctoral studies, I find myself grappling with disappointment. Having grown up with a father who was a professor, I believed that I was destined for success in graduate school and envisioned myself following in his footsteps. However, the reality has been starkly different, filled with a series of crushing setbacks. When you are surrounded by successful individuals, it's easy to assume that you too will thrive; yet, I feel anything but accomplished. Despite being a chemistry PhD candidate at an Ivy League university with a 3.94 GPA, I find myself lacking in a crucial area: publications. In an academic environment where output is measured by the quantity and quality of published work, my absence of any publications leaves me feeling defeated, frustrated, and embarrassed.

The most challenging question from my family is undoubtedly, "How is your research going?" The truth is, it isn't progressing. Each week, I sit at my desk, hoping to advance in my research journey, only to feel as if I am regressing. Initially, my project appeared promising; I even received a poster award last year. However, it was soon revealed that my chosen methodology was flawed and unusable. At first, I resisted this reality, but eventually, I had to confront the truth: I was at a crossroads. My initial instinct was to abandon the project and consider leaving graduate school altogether. Yet, my principal investigator encouraged me to persevere, and so I have. After more than six months of persistence, I still find myself entrenched in this phase of enduring setbacks.

A STEM PhD is fundamentally a metrics-driven pursuit, centered around publications, and it often feels like the only path to success. I struggle to find a clear route from my current state to eventual publications and, ultimately, a PhD. In meetings, I listen to my peers share their achievements, and it stirs feelings of jealousy within me. Although I know these emotions are toxic and unwarranted, it's challenging to ignore the contrast between my lack of success and the accomplishments of those around me. I can't help but wonder how they found their way while I feel lost.

As children, we are often told we are unique and that success isn't solely about being the best; the emphasis is on effort. However, after progressing so far in academia, I realize that I have never truly faced failure until now. It feels as though I am trapped in a deep chasm with no clear path to ascend, and no one to offer a helping hand. There are days when I feel isolated in this struggle, burdened by the thought of dragging others down with me. The field I've chosen is unforgiving, and it has left me feeling despondent. It's as if I've been thrown into the ocean and told to swim toward publication, yet no one has given me a clear direction. Occasionally, there might be a glimmer of hope, but more often than not, I find myself wanting to scream for clarity.

With the current global climate, from the pandemic to social unrest, my personal struggles seem trivial. I remind myself to check my privilege as a white woman. Ironically, this awareness sometimes exacerbates my feelings of inadequacy. The pandemic has restricted my access to the lab, hindering my ability to conduct experiments. Quitting graduate school feels like an impossible and foolish choice, especially when so many are facing unemployment. While I am grateful for my circumstances, the mental health challenges and frustrations that come with pursuing a PhD are undeniably real and difficult to manage.

As I approach my fourth year, anxiety looms larger than ever. I dread the thought of being trapped in graduate school indefinitely. I don't want a pity PhD; I aspire to make a meaningful contribution to science and demonstrate to my parents that I, too, can achieve success. For now, I find myself sitting in front of my computer, attempting to brainstorm potential publications, while also succumbing to procrastination. I tell myself that I will eventually reach my goals, that I am intelligent enough to succeed, but more often than not, those affirmations feel like empty promises. I wrestle with the nagging doubt that perhaps academia isn't the right path for me. If you are searching for me, I may be out there in the vast ocean, either striving to swim toward my goals or lying back, gazing at the stars, dreaming of success. At this moment, success feels more like a distant dream than an attainable reality.

Section 1.1: The Reality of PhD Challenges

Chapter 2: Seeking Guidance and Clarity

This video discusses the key indicators that may predict whether a PhD student will struggle during their studies, offering insights on how to recognize these signs early on.

In this video, the presenter outlines six critical mistakes that can hinder a PhD student's success, providing valuable lessons for current and prospective students.