Chapter 1: The Illusion of Love

At 16, I experienced what I believed to be my “first true love.” Just two weeks into our relationship, I was violently thrown onto the floor of his bedroom for being late past my curfew. The pain was seared into my memory: a foot crashing onto my face and then my stomach. I couldn't recall the words exchanged during that moment.

The next day, while walking through school, my sister approached me, eager to chat. I remained silent, continuing to walk, and she noticed something was wrong. “Sis, what’s going on?” she asked. In that moment, she sensed the turmoil I was trying to conceal.

“Come with me,” she insisted, leading me to the school psychologist. I opened up completely, sharing everything. At the conclusion of our session, the psychologist informed me that she had to report what I had disclosed to the police. I felt devastated; I never intended for it to escalate like this. I feared my newfound love would resent me.

A week later, when the police arrived to question me about that dreadful night, I chose to lie. I claimed he had never harmed me and couldn’t fathom why anyone would suggest such a thing. He had apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again, so surely that was enough.

Fast forward, I became pregnant with the same first love, caught in the web of a toxic relationship, now compounded by the responsibility of a child. We began working on his father’s farm, believing it was a step toward stability.

Each morning, I woke at 2:30 a.m. to prepare our baby for the day. We worked until late morning, only to repeat the cycle in the afternoon. The nights were exhausting; he rarely assisted with midnight feedings or diaper changes, leaving me feeling isolated in my struggles.

After two and a half years, we began farming independently, and I was pregnant again with our second child. Our routine involved milking cows three times a day; I handled the morning and afternoon shifts, while he took the late night.

One evening, his mother woke me, concerned that he hadn't returned home. Seven months pregnant, I drove to the farm to find him drunk and furious at my presence. I later learned of his affair with a girl from our high school.

I complied with his demands, fearing that if I didn’t, I would lose his love. I was desperate to maintain a unified family for our children. Despite my efforts, I remained unaware of my self-worth. It took nine years of enduring physical and emotional abuse to finally recognize it.

When I gave birth to our third daughter, we decided to marry. However, this nine-year relationship culminated in an eight-month marriage. The moment he tried to strike me while belittling me was the turning point; I knew I had to leave. I could not let my son witness such treatment nor allow my daughters to accept it as normal.

After years of doing everything for him, I realized that the bruises I received did not equate to love. They hadn’t represented love in the spring of 2011, nor did they in the fall of 2019, when I finally left. I took only what was essential, leaving behind our home, the farm, and all our possessions. My priority was to end the conflict and ease the transition for our three kids.

I share this not to evoke pity; I had ample opportunities to escape. However, the promises of change always felt genuine. If you find yourself in a similar situation, understand that it will not improve, and you deserve far better.

Being alone seemed daunting; he often claimed I couldn't survive without him. Yet, when I left, I declared that I would prefer to have nothing and face life alone than endure the worthlessness he inflicted upon me. It’s challenging, but ultimately, it is worth it.

Chapter 2: Embracing Self-Worth

The journey of healing begins with recognizing your value and reclaiming your life. In this chapter, we’ll explore the importance of self-love and the steps toward recovery.