Chapter 1: The MAGA Bible

For the price of $59.99, Americans can acquire the sole Bible that has received the endorsement of none other than Donald Trump, along with country singer Lee Greenwood. According to the book's promotional material, the "God Bless the USA Bible" draws inspiration from Greenwood's patriotic anthem, "God Bless The USA."

Of course, this Bible is adorned with numerous patriotic symbols, such as the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance. Isn't that wonderful? Take my cash and label me foolish—I mean, Republican.

Now, let's take a sneak peek at some of the beloved biblical verses included in its pages.

1 Donniethians 13:4–5

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Sounds delightful, right? Until you cross paths with Donnie. In that case, all bets are off. You can be sure that the man infamous for his golden showers will retaliate, especially on Truth Social, rallying his followers to unleash a storm of messages filled with threats—IN CAPS!

1 Donaldlonians 5:16–18

"Rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; this is Donald's will for you in MAGA."

I’ll certainly sleep better expressing gratitude to Trump for such bountiful gifts: tax breaks for the wealthy, pardons for his devoted supporters, and the capacity to label anything damaging to him (you know, the truth) as fake news, knowing full well that MAGA fans will lap it up.

Trumperonomy 6:6–7

"These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up."

Can you envision adhering to the Trump Commandments? Let’s review some highlights and see how his admirers interpret his words.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Well, that certainly sounds like something Trump would say.

"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image." If little hands Donnie had his way, his portrait would be displayed in every household and office. How would you like to gaze upon his face while using the restroom? That would certainly give me the runs.

More commentary from Trump fans:

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Donald thy Trump in vain." For Donald's sake, doesn’t that sound nicer? Personally, I wouldn’t lift a finger for his sake. That fast-food-loving figure should spend a few decades in prison before the devil comes knocking. And he better have a cellmate with a big dick; we can’t let Trump get too comfortable—unless he’s snuggling with his cellmate.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery." Just ask Stormy Daniels. Trump is a saint; they were not engaging in illicit activities, but reading the Trump Bible in bed—with handcuffs, a vibrator, a blindfold, and a ball gag.

You get the gist. The commandments revolve around the Trumpster, just like everything else in the world. It’s all about Donald. Let’s try that again: THE COMMANDMENTS REVOLVE AROUND THE TRUMPSTER, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. IT’S ALL ABOUT DONALD. "Can you feel the love tonight?"

That’s better. It seems like Donnie is shouting at you from social media. It’s far more convincing when it comes directly from him.

Now, let’s allow the orange menace to do the talking. (Warning: the link leads to a conservative video site.) It’s much more credible when it’s coming from Donnie.

For someone who likely struggles with spelling "Bible," Trump certainly spends a considerable amount of time extolling the virtues of Christianity. "Religion and Christianity are the biggest things missing from this country," he claims. Truly profound. Where would we be without priests committing unspeakable acts? Pastors begging for more donations from their congregations? Holy moly! Now I understand where Donald learned the art of begging! Are Joel Osteen and Benny Hinn aware that Trump is trying to take over their turf?

The pied piper of nonsense declares the Bible as his favorite book and insists he owns several copies. I’d rather not know the details.

Trump proclaims that the Founding Fathers did an outstanding job establishing the US based on Judeo-Christian values, like permitting slavery and denying women the right to vote. You catch my drift—great job, George and John, etc. Wait a minute. The Beatles were our Founding Fathers? What on earth?

Trump concludes by urging us to "make America pray again" and to pursue education. Nonsense. The last thing Republicans desire is an informed electorate. And the only prayer Trump is concerned with is that people will continue to buy into his nonsense and fill his coffers. And indeed, people are out there shelling out their hard-earned money for the Orange DB to cover his legal expenses.

If you’re unhappy with your Bible purchase and seek a refund, forget it. No refunds. Surprise, surprise.

Thank you for reading.